The Dark Mark

I wish I could write this with a smile, brimming with excitement and enthusiasm, but I can’t. I wish I could write so quickly the words are tripping over themselves in their eagerness to get on to the page, but I can’t. I wish I could write to build up the tension and then bounce out a secret that just won’t stay secret, but I can’t. I can’t because I don’t have good news. If I received a Howler when I wasn’t asked for an interview to one of my chosen university’s, then the email today should be classed as the Dark Mark.

I’m not going to university this year. I had an interview at my 1st choice university yesterday and today, they confirmed that I didn’t make the grade for 2016 entry to their Midwifery degree course.

To say I’m upset would be an understatement. I cried, copiously and with a full on ugly-crying face. Both my parents and Husband got an earful of my sorrow and disappointment this morning. I am shattered, in the way that only comes from crying and having a bit of a wail in despair and sorrow. My glasses are salt spattered and my head is throbbing, despite the copious cups of tea I’ve forced myself to drink.

Tonight I will eat pizza, watch a movie and re-group, in my head at least. I have other challenges coming up that I need to focus on and when I complete the access course (some time in April, a month ahead of schedule) I’ll be able to shut the text books for the last time for a while as I work out my next steps.

I’m sad and frustrated and upset and slightly angry. Right now this decision by the university feels very personal; that I am not good enough, that my hard work just wasn’t hard enough. But the rational part of me also knows that there were over 980 applications, for 46 spaces. The competition is fierce and will continue to be. The country has a massive deficit of midwifes, approximately 20, 000 midwives a year that are so desperately needed. I’ll be back, I’ll re-apply, I’ll get there.

So, thank you. For cheering me on, for listening to my rambling about word counts, psychology and biology dramas, for believing in me.

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2 responses to “The Dark Mark

  1. Ah love, i’m so sorry to hear this. Be kind to yourself; take some time to be sad, give your man big cuddles then stand back up again and look towards the future. What you want might not be on the doorstep, but it’s just a bit further down the road. You’ll get there 😌 xx

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